Uh, Not So Silent Hill
by Bankotsubo
Summary: THRILLER PARODY UP! CHAPTER TWO COMING SOON! CHA'MONE!
1. The Third Place

Uh, Not So Silent Hill  
  
"Damn it!" Leon said, after he dropped Claire's heavy suitcase on his little tootsies.  
  
"Leon," Claire said, running to his side. "What's happened?!"  
  
"I dropped this fucking suitcase on my fucking foot," Leon said, as he picked Claire's suitcase off the floor and placed it neatly into the trunk of his car. "What the fuck have you got in here anyway, a millenium's supply of tampons?"  
  
"Leon, don't say 'fuck'," Claire said, in her sweetest voice.  
  
"I thought you liked it when I cursed like an eight-year-old," Leon said, closing the trunk.  
  
"Yeah, in bed," Claire said, slightly embarrassed.  
  
"Well, how about we get nasty right now, baby?" Leon said, backing Claire up against the car and rubbing his hands around her slender waist.  
  
"You try that here and this fic'll get deleted by FanFiction.Net," Claire said, brushing him off.  
  
"Shit," Leon said. "Ever since FanFiction.Net abolished NC-17s fics, I haven't been able to drill ya."  
  
"You can, Leon," Claire said, "but only in private. Or as long as the author doesn't go into too much detail."  
  
"Shit," Leon said. "Where's the fun in that?"  
  
Leon and Claire climbed into the car. Leon started the engine as Claire pulled up a huge map.  
  
"So, how far is this... Silent Hill, anyway?" Claire said, looking quizzically at the map.  
  
"It's a ways," Leon said, driving off.  
  
"Meanwhile, in Silent Hill...," the Narrator said. "Now, where's my friggin' beer? ...oh, shoot. Is this still on??"  
  
Welcome to Silent Hill. A town like no other. Well, that's not strictly true. It's like every other town. With one small difference. Silent Hill... has a paedophile house. Oh, and every so often, a bunch of monsters appear and other creepy shit occurs. It's kind of like South Park, only spookier, and not so one dimensional. Just recently, some chick named Heather spent a rather hellish time here, fighting for her life and crap. I won't go into too much detail. I hear Silent Hill 3 isn't out in the US yet. You poor souls. Anyways, things have settled down here lately. But something's been stirring...  
  
"Well, here we are, sugarcake," Leon said, as he and Claire drove into the foggy town of Noisy, uh, Silent Hill.  
  
"Oh, it's beautiful, Leon," Claire said, smiling.  
  
Leon and Claire drove into the parking lot of the Silent Hill Travel Inn. After turning off the engine, and unloading their luggage, the lovers entered the Inn. One of those tall things with the huge eyeball was standing behind the counter in the lobby. Strangely, it was wearing a suit.  
  
"Ah!" Claire said.  
  
"Hellooo!" the Creature said in a Mrs. Doubtfire kind of way.  
  
"What the fuck...?!" Leon said, amazed. "What the fuck...?!"  
  
"My name is Joe," the Creature said. "Eyeball Joe."  
  
"What the fucking hell are you?" Leon said. "A tall talking eyeball creature on stalks?!"  
  
"Yes, that's exactly what I am," Joe said. "Name?"  
  
"What?!" Leon said.  
  
"Name?" Joe said. "What name are you booked under?"  
  
"Oh, uh, Kennedy," Leon said. "Mr. and Mrs. Kennedy."  
  
"Ah, yes," Joe said, as he checked the computer. "You're in Room 101."  
  
"101?" Leon said. "Sounds scary."  
  
"It isn't," Joe said. "Big Fat Frankie here will show you to your room."  
  
One of those big lumps of blubber (you'll know what I mean if you've played Silent Hill 3 or if you've seen the screenshots) walked into the lobby. The strange thing about the creature was that, like our big eyeball friend, it was wearing a suit. Weird, huh?  
  
"Damn, these things are heavy," Frankie said, as he lifted the cases off the floor. "What've you got in here, a millenium's supply of contraceptives?"  
  
"Fuck you," Leon said.  
  
"Sir!" Joe said. "Please, language like that is forbidden here!"  
  
"Sorry," Leon said.  
  
"Follow me," Frankie said, as he walked off upstairs.  
  
"Come on, Claire," Leon said, following Frankie.  
  
Claire, still a little freaked out about this whole situation, simply stood there, motionless.  
  
"Right oh, I'm bored now," the Narrator said. "Maybe I'll write some more later, if I'm feeling up to it. I'm off to play Silent Hill 3. Jealous? ...you're jealous. Oh, crap. Is this thing still on again?!"  
  
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TO BE CONTINUED... (whenever I'm ready)  
  
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	2. Thriller, Silent Hill 3 Style

A door creaks. Footsteps approach. Heather turns around. Music starts. Heather begins to dance. Heather begins to sing:  
  
It's close to midnight and something evil's lurking in the dark  
Under the moonlight you see a sight that almost stops your heart  
You try to scream but terror takes the sound before you make it  
You start to freeze as horror looks you right between the eyes,  
You're paralyzed  
  
'Cause this is thriller, thriller night  
And no one's gonna save you from the beast about to strike  
You know it's thriller, thriller night  
You're fighting for your life inside a killer, thriller tonight  
  
You hear the door slam and realize there's nowhere left to run  
You feel the cold hand and wonder if you'll ever see the sun  
You close your eyes and hope that this is just imagination  
But all the while you hear the creature creepin' up behind  
You're out of time  
  
'Cause this is thriller, thriller night  
There ain't no second chance against the thing with forty eyes  
You know it's thriller, thriller night  
You're fighting for your life inside of killer, thriller tonight  
  
Night creatures call  
And the dead start to walk in their masquerade  
There's no escapin' the jaws of the alien this time  
(They're open wide)  
This is the end of your life  
  
They're out to get you, there's demons closing in on every side  
They will possess you unless you change that number on your dial  
Now is the time for you and I to cuddle close together  
All through the night I'll save you from the terror on the screen,  
I'll make you see  
  
That this is thriller, thriller night  
'Cause I can thrill you more than any ghost would dare to try  
Girl, this is thriller, thriller night  
So let me hold you tight and share a killer, diller, chiller  
Thriller here tonight  
  
Darkness falls across the land  
The midnight hour is close at hand  
Creatures crawl in search of blood  
To terrorize y'awl's neighbourhood  
And whosoever shall be found  
Without the soul for getting down  
Must stand and face the hounds of hell  
And rot inside a corpse's shell  
The foulest stench is in the air  
The funk of forty thousand years  
And grizzy ghouls from every tomb  
Are closing in to seal your doom  
And though you fight to stay alive  
Your body starts to shiver  
For no mere mortal can resist  
The evil of the thriller  
  
Property of Michael Jackson, or something. I do not own this. Oh, and Heather and the Silent Hill name belong to Konami. Chapter 2 of "Uh, Not So Silent Hill" COMING SOON! 


	3. Kill Frenzy

Uh, Not So Silent Hill: Part Deux  
  
"You're sure this two-way mirror is going to work, right?" Big Fat Ugly Frankie said.  
"Not only will it work," Eyeball Joe said, "but also will it allow us to have the best masturbating session of our life."  
"You're one sick fuck," Big Fat Ugly Frankie said, laughing.  
  
Meanwhile, in their cosy little room, Leon and Claire were getting comfortable. Leon lay on the bed, watching MTC. (No, that's not a typo. I'm using MTC instead MTV because I do not want to be sued by the fat cats.) Heather from Silent Hill 3 danced away on the screen, parodying Michael Jackson's Thriller.  
  
"Hey, this Heather chick is a pretty cool R&B artist," Leon said, with his hands in his pants.  
"Leon, knock it off," Claire scolded. "She's only 15, you dope!"  
"Sorry, Claire," Leon said, pulling his hand out of his now sticky pants. "What's for dinner, babe?"  
"YOU!"  
"Me?" Leon said. "That sounds erotic."  
"I didn't say anything," Claire said.  
"Well, if you didn't say it..." Leon trailed off.  
  
Vincent burst into the room, wielding a knife. He swiped Leon across the chest.  
  
"Jesus H. Christ," Leon said, leaping up.  
"I'm going to eat your brains," Vincent said, laughing. He adjusted his glasses, and leapt at Leon again. "Stay still and die!"  
"Jesus H. Christmas," Leon said. He turned to his bitch Claire. "Is he a zuh...zuh...zuh...zombie?!"  
"I doubt it," Claire said, nonchalantly. "Zombies don't talk. Well, they didn't in our games."  
"I'm going to eat your brains," Vincent said, repeating his last threat.  
  
Vincent leapt for Leon, swiping his chest with his knife again. Leon squealed like a girl.  
  
"This isn't supposed to happen, is it?" Big Fat Ugly Frankie said to Eyeball Joe, whilst watching the action through the two-way mirror.  
"I don't think so, mo fo," Eyeball Joe said. "We wanted a porno, but instead we're gettin' a horror flick."  
  
Back in the room, Vincent cornered Leon and Claire. Leon was crying like a little baby, but Claire kept her cool. Suddenly, that idiot Steve Burnside from Code: Veronica X burst into the room, completely naked.  
  
"Stop it, Chris!" Steve said, giggling. "You know I don't sha-wing that way, cha'mone!"  
"Steve??" Claire said, shocked.  
"Oh, hi, Claire," Steve said, smiling.  
"I thought you were dead," Claire said.  
"I was," Steve said.  
  
Just then, Chris ran into the room, also naked. He grabbed Steve's penis.  
  
"Gotcha, hottie," Chris said. He turned to Claire. "Oh, hi, little sis."  
"Hi yourself," Claire said. "You're queer?"  
"No, just curious." Chris and Steve started to make out, whilst fondling each other's penises.  
"This is kinda hot," Leon said, masturbating. "Claire, am I gay?"  
"God, I hope not," Claire said.  
"Stop acting like a bunch of porno stars," Vincent said, breaking the moment. "I'm trying to do some serious butchering here!"  
  
Vincent slashed Chris and Steve across the chest, killing them both. He then laughed manically and advanced onto Leon and Claire.  
  
"Leon," Claire said.  
"Let's am-scray!" Leon said, grabbing Claire's hand and leading her away.  
"After them!" Vincent said, as a pack of two-faced dogs emerged, barking, from the closet.  
  
"Oh, dear God," the Narrator said. "What in the fuck will happen now? Well, when I'm ready to write the rest of the story, you'll find out. Until then, go read something else."  
  
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TO BE CONTINUED  
  
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End file.
